Digging Deeper
by LauraSanchez
Summary: The truth was hard, but maybe it was what they needed to move forward. JH
1. Chapter 1

A year later she visited the cemetery. The day she had lost her child. She brought a pair of scissors to cut the stray grasses from around her daughters headstone, and a washcloth to clean the headstone itself. She couldn't bring herself to visit more often, the only day she could bring herself to visit her daughter without having a mental breakdown was the day she had lost her.

She lightly traced the words on the headstone, 'Baby Katherine. Taken too soon. ' It was a simple engraving, but it was all Jackie could think of at the time. Her child's headstone was the last thing she bought with her parents money. It had taken everything she had left, but it was worth it.

She tried not to break down, but couldn't stop herself. It was a reminder of how badly she had failed. How she seemed destined to fail at everything. She was still alone. Her relationship with Fez was a joke.

A noise behind her made her jump and she turned abruptly. She paled when she saw Fez and wiped her face with the back of her hand. "Fez! What are you doing here?" she tried for chipper but could tell from the look on his face she failed.

"I followed you, my princess. I was worried." he hesitated but moved beside her. "Why are you here?" he glanced at the headstone. "Are you here to visit this 'Katherine'?"

She felt the tears spill down her face and reached out to touch the name on the headstone. "My daughter, Fez. My daughter." Fez had always been the emotional type, but when he remained calm and simply brought her into his arms, she'd never been more grateful.

Involuntarily, the entire story spilled out, everything. How when she had found out she was pregnant, she had been afraid that Steven would bolt. So she had done what she'd been best at. Manipulation. To make him stay. To make him -want- to stay.

When she'd left, hoping he would follow. Then Michael. She was beginning to think she despised him. Every time something had gone wrong with her and Steven, it had inadvertently been his fault. Seriously, nobody was that stupid.

When she told him that Steven had never even known that she was pregnant, Fez had made it all the way to basement door before she'd stopped him. After talking him down and making him promise not to tell, she'd showed him the one picture she had of her daughter. The picture never failed to make her cry. An hour later, curled into Fez's chest, she'd fallen into the first dreamless sleep since she had lost her daughter.

Time went on, three more months passed since the day in the cemetery when she had told Fez everything. His resulting coldness to Hyde was something she tried to talk him out of, but he still held to his argument that it had been Hyde's fault that she'd had the miscarriage.

Somehow, Steven knew that Fez's newfound hatred, yes hatred, for him had to do with Jackie. Yet another thing for him to hate her for. It was still painful to see him, talk to him as if everything was ok, when even thinking about him made her chest hurt. It wasn't fair that he could move on and she was stuck, still mourning their daughter. The daughter he never knew about.

Occasionally she wanted to throw Katherine in his face, just to hurt him. To see if he could hurt, if he even cared. But she couldn't do it. Couldn't even chance giving him the pain that she suffered through everyday. Because she still loved him.

The sad thing was that he didn't even seem to care about her anymore. And she couldn't move on. It wasn't fair. At all. Sure, he was alone. But he seemed at peace, and she was a mess.

But she'd be damned if she let it show, she only broke down when she was alone. Most nights she cried herself to sleep, the only way she found she was able to rest.

Then came the day she always dreaded, the day she hoped would never come.-

"What did you say to make Fez hate me?"

The question came out of the blue, Jackie was nowhere prepared for the intensity that he focused on her. She blinked rapidly, her mouth opening once then closing when she couldn't find anything to say.

"This is new," he scoffed, "Loud mouth Burkhart with nothing to say."

She clenched her teeth and threw down the magazine she'd been reading. "I didn't say anything to make him hate you." she said coldly. She found herself unable to look at him, instead focusing on the room. Of course, he would choose one of the few times they were alone to confront her about this.

He glared at her, "That's not what Fez said. When I asked him what the hell his problem was, he told me that it was between me and you. What did he mean Jackie?"

'Damn it, Fez!' She cursed him in her head, and stood. "I'm sure he was just being his usual hard-to-understand self."

"Actually, I don't think I've ever heard him any clearer. He said, 'You have hurt my Princess. You need to make things right with Jackie for me to ever be your friend again.' What the hell did he mean Jackie? What bullshit did you feed him?!" he was almost yelling at her, so instead of arguing back, she walked for the door.

If there was one thing she couldn't deal with, it was an all out fight with him. Tears were too close to the surface lately. Just as she opened the door, she felt it being jerked from her grasp and slammed shut. "You can't just turn one of my friends against me and walk away. Tell me what lies you told him."

"Just let it go, please. I'll talk to Fez. Please." To her horror, the tears she'd been trying to fight were flowing down her cheeks unchecked. She kept herself turned away from him, not wanting him to see weakness. He would take her pain and run with it.

He ignored her plea, "Does this have anything with you trying to get me to marry you? All that shit you pulled?"

"I had my reasons for what I did." she responded softly.

"Yeah. You knew I would eventually get loads of money from my rich daddy." he said. And in that moment, she finally got the -burn-. It started in her heart and worked it's way down until settling in her stomach. She finally felt herself reach the point where it was either explode or implode.

She turned and pushed him as far away from her as possible. "I was pregnant!" she yelled. "I was pregnant and wanted to know that you would stay with me. But you didn't love me enough! Instead, you jumped to conclusions when you saw me with Michael. You blamed me! Knowing what he's like!"

He heard every word she said, but was stuck on the first sentence. Pregnant? She was pregnant? But where was the baby? A sudden thought hit him and he felt anger run through him. "Did you have an abortion?" he asked softly. The Zen he portrayed offset by the furious clenching of his fists.

The hard slap to his cheek was unexpected and he looked at her in confusion. Her crying had stopped, but now she was furious. "I had a miscarriage!" she hissed at him.

He automatically softened, and wished he could take the words back. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to-"

"Yes, you did." she cut him off. "You still think I am some vapid, materialistic bitch." He reached out to her and she pushed him away, "Don't touch me!" she turned and started to walk away. "You know what? Don't ever talk to me again. I think I hate you." With that, she turned to open the door.

"Was it a boy or a girl?" he asked so softly she almost missed it.

She closed her eyes and stopped. "A girl, I named her Katherine. I was 4 months and 2 weeks along. She weighed 6 ounces and was only five inches long. She would have been small like me because I was small for how far along I was. She was beautiful, she had the shape of my eyes and my mouth. Her eyes were blue, they told me that all babies eyes are blue, but I think they would have been just like yours. But hers were dead when I looked into them. I know it's not fair of me, but I won't ever be able to forgive you. Even though it was my fault. So just leave me alone okay? And I'll never bother you again." When he looked up, she was gone. Then Steven Hyde did something he promised himself he'd never do. He sank to his knees and cried.

Another night when she couldn't sleep. Another night when crying seemed to be the only way to exhaust herself. So she gave in to the need that always hovered just below the surface. The tears came easily and she was so lost in her grief that she didn't even hear her door open and shut quietly. But she was aware when the bed dipped and a strong hand started stoking her back.

She sniffled a few times, "Thanks, Fez. But could you leave me alone right now?"

"I'm not Fez, and I already tried to leave you alone. I can't."

She turned quickly to face Steven and tried her best to glare. "Get out."

"No. Just…lie down. I'll leave before you wake up, I promise."

Her lip trembled as she fought to control her emotions, but she nodded. Laying down, she curled into a ball and let the tears fall. When she felt the warmth of Steven's body as he lay down behind her, she realized what she had been needing for almost two years.

With a muffled sob, she turned and buried her face in his chest. He let her cry, his hand occasionally stroking the line of her spine. Before she knew it, she was sleeping, curled into the man she once believed to be her soul mate.

She woke slowly, the first time in a long time she wasn't awakened by nightmares. Horrible nightmares when she heard a voice, couldn't see anything, but knew it was her daughter speaking. Blaming her for everything. Every time she woke to one of the dreams, it deepened her hatred for herself. It was dangerous, she knew it, but her self-loathing only got worse as each day passed.

The warmth at her back altered her to the fact that she wasn't alone and at first she thought it was Fez, but then remembered the night before. For a moment, she considered staying where she was, but closed her eyes and shifted away from him. The movement must have awakened him, because he jumped and she heard his rapid breathing for a moment before he calmed.

"You said you'd be gone before I woke up." she said, focusing on the wall in front of her.

"Yeah." he said groggily. "I meant to."

There was silence before she spoke again, "You should leave now."

When there was only silence from him, she sighed and shifted closer to the edge of the bed, not yet ready to get up and face the day.

"Why didn't you tell me? I mean, things were good for us. We would have been okay."

"I was afraid." she answered after a few minutes of silence.

"Of what? Of me?" he asked, his voice quiet.

"Kinda. I was afraid you would get scared. Take off. You'd been wanting to for years. Me being pregnant would have been the perfect excuse."

"I wouldn't have left." his voice was tense.

"How could I have known that? We were young and I was scared. I couldn't run away, but you're famous for it. I thought that if I could get you to commit to me, a kid wouldn't seem like such a bad thing."

"That's the biggest load of bullshit I've ever heard, Jackie."

She finally turned over and glared at him, "Screw you, Steven! You've never committed to a thing in your life. How was I supposed to think any different?"

"You should have trusted me! I was in love with you. Damn it, Jackie!" he sat up and swung his legs over the side of the bed. He ran his fingers through his hair then rested his face in his hands.

Jackie stared at him, wide-eyed. "How could I have trusted you when you never gave me reason to? Every chance you got, you were telling everyone what a bitch I was. I heard you more times than I ever cared to. Everyone treated me like an outsider. None of you ever realized you were the only friends I had. I wanted to be included, but I never was. Not really.

"You were my boyfriend and I gave you everything, but I only got bits and pieces of you. It was all you would give me. You gave me your body, but not your heart. It wasn't enough. How could I trust you when you never trusted me?"

"I wanted to. So fucking bad. I actually had a ring. Then that thing with Kelso. Everything crashed down around my ears when I saw him. I thought you betrayed me."

"I loved you too much. My world revolved around you, Steven. I didn't betray you." She watched him, her face sad.

"I know. I'm sorry. For everything. I wasn't mad at you when I came home, doll face. I was mad at me. I just took it out on you." The room was silent and Jackie smiled sadly. "I'm sorry I wasn't there. I should have been. Every damn day."

"How could you have known? I didn't tell you."

"You should have, but I think I understand why you didn't."

"I'm sorry I lost our baby. I didn't mean to." She interjected suddenly. "I'm so sorry." she wrapped her arms around herself and started rocking.

"Jackie, don't. It wasn't your fault."

"It was. I wasn't strong enough." When his arms came around her, she tensed, but let herself take in his support.

"You shouldn't have had to be strong on your own. I should have known something was up. I think I did, but I just brushed it off. I'm sorry, Jackie."

She turned her head to his chest, her tears running down her face unchecked.

After she calmed down, he turned her face up to his. "This doesn't have to end your life. You're young. You can move on."

When she closed her eyes and he saw the pain fill her features, he knew he had said the wrong thing.

She opened her eyes and focused on him. He almost flinched at the desolate look in her eyes. "After I lost her, the doctors told me that the miscarriage had been really hard on my body. They said it would be really hard if not impossible for me to get pregnant again." she let out a humorless laugh. "The word miracle was used and I stopped believing in miracles a long time ago."

end part one


	2. Chapter 2

Two days passed. Then five and before she knew it, ten days had passed. When she told him she wouldn't bother him she had been telling the truth. But she didn't count on him seeking her out. She saw him everyday. She had only gone to the basement twice, but the days she didn't come, he went to her apartment.

That morning in her room, when she told him she was not longer able to have kids, he couldn't seem to find anything to say and had left soon after. But he had showed up the next day when she hadn't come to the basement. They didn't speak except for her asking him if he wanted a drink. When she brought him a beer, he grasped her wrist and pulled her into his lap silently.

When she tried to stand, he held her to him like a lifeline. When her startled gaze had met his, she was surprised to see a plea in his eyes. After a confused moment, she gave in. Sinking comfortably into the familiar lap, she felt his arms come around her. Unable to stop herself, silent tears ran down her face. She had missed this. So much.

It must have been hours later when she woke to him carrying her to bed. Her groggy mind had barely registered when he had climbed in behind her. His familiar presence had lulled her back to sleep, her first night in a long time without tears.

When she woke the next morning, he was gone. Only the scent of him on her pillows remained to tell her she wasn't going crazy. When the next few days fell into the same pattern, she grew increasing confused. She had missed him, -her- Steven. Not the imposter of two years that had taken his place. But if this whole thing was pity, she didn't want it.

So she returned to the basement, sure that his attentions were reserved for when they were alone. When she had gone to sit on the couch, he had actually stood and pulled her so she was once again sitting in his lap. In front of Donna and Eric. To her horror, tears had threatened. She had tried to get away, but his grip on her was steady, and she had collapsed into him. Burying her face in his neck, she sobbed.

She felt the rumble of his voice, but was unable to tell what was said. When she had calmed, she slowly looked up. Was relieved to find the basement empty aside from her and Steven. Finally asked the question that had been at the top of her mind.

"Why are you doing this?" Her voice was soft, but lined with a veil of desperation.

"I'm not sure." he answered quietly. "I just…I have to." He looked at her and tucked her hair behind her ear. "I'll stop. If you ask me to." She searched his face and for the first time realized he hadn't been wearing his sunglasses for the last few days. Saw him asking her silently not to ask him to stop.

She opened her mouth and then closed it, swallowing thickly. Giving him a small smile, she sighed and shook her head. "It's fine. I…You're not expecting anything from me, are you?" Her voice was uncertain and she visibly relaxed when he looked horrified at the suggestion.

"Fuck, Jackie. I wouldn't do that to you."

Ignoring the pang to her vanity, she unconsciously started to run her hands through his hair. At first he tensed, but after seeing her almost content expression, let himself enjoy it. When her hand dropped away, he was disappointed. But when he saw that she had fallen asleep, he ignored the feeling. They stayed that way until he felt his legs start to fall asleep.

He stood, cradling her in his arms. Her slight frame was light in his arms and he found himself worrying if she had eaten that day. Deciding that he would make sure she ate when she woke, he sank onto the couch. He settled her between his legs, her head resting on is chest. He watched the steady rise and fall as she took each breath and drifted off himself.

When he woke, he was surprised to see Red watching them from his chair, his expression inscrutable. A quick glance told him Jackie was still asleep. "Hey, Mr. Forman." his voice was hoarse and he quietly cleared his throat. "What's up?"

For a moment, Red just stared at him. Just as Hyde was beginning to get self-conscious, he spoke. "It's about time she told you." his voice was quiet, but Hyde heard him just the same.

"You knew?" he asked, his voice pained.

Red nodded, "Yeah. Kitty told me. She found her in our backyard when she was losing your baby. Told me when she got home and also told me Jackie didn't want anyone to know. Wanted it to be a secret. Personally, I didn't think that anyone should have gone through that alone. So I kept an eye on her. Saw her heart break every time she saw you with your wife. And I knew why she wanted to keep it from you. You did a good job of pretending you didn't care, Steven. She believed it. Every goddamn second."

Hyde swallowed and tilted his head back, but found his tears falling anyway. "I know." he choked out.

"She loved you. Probably loves you still. Don't know how, but you wouldn't be able to hurt her the way you do if she didn't. No more, Steven. She deserves more than that."

Hyde closed his eyes and took a slow breath. "I never stopped loving her. Not once."

He looked to see Red giving him a sad smile. "I know. Help her through this. Better late than never."

"Yeah."

Red stood and looked down at him, "So. You know, foot in ass and all that."

"Of course."

Long after Red had left, Hyde watched her. She was beautiful, but the dark bags under her eyes and the deep hollows in her cheeks worried him. He had broken her, and now he needed to fix her.

Jackie went back to the basement the next day, finally told Donna, Eric and Michael about the baby. Could have sworn she saw Donna collapse into herself a bit. And when the pity got to be too much, she left. Drove around for a few hours, worrying and hoping that Steven would be at her apartment when she got home.

When she opened the door to the apartment, she was disappointed not to see Steven. But before she even closed the door, he was there. Holding a couple bags of groceries. She let him in and he preceded to cook her supper and badgered her till she finished it. She took a shower that night, dressed in her favorite nightgown. A pretty over-the-top frilly number that covered her from head to toe. It hadn't seen the light of day in over two years.

But when she looked in the mirror, she saw the girl that she no longer was. That night her grief was for who she no longer was, and who she wished she could be again. She wished for the simplicity of her life before. When her biggest worry was if she should buy that pretty pink shirt or the lavender skirt. Or in her case, both.

What had happened to her? When had she become this withdrawn, hopeless, sallow person?

But even as she asked herself the question, she knew the answer. It wasn't when Steven had walked away from her, it wasn't when Sam had taken her place, it wasn't even when she had lost her baby. It was when she had given up. When she finally abandoned hope and let her fear and despair take over. It was pathetic how easy it had been. But she wanted herself back. She knew she couldn't be who she was, but that didn't mean that she couldn't be someone new, someone stronger.

That night she fell asleep with Steven curled around her and felt something she hadn't felt in a long time.

Hope.

She next few days followed in the same pattern, Steven fed her, gave her the support she needed desperately and she slept each night with him holding her. But on the tenth day, she stumbled upon a conversation between Steven and Eric. She was at the top of the stairs, out of sight. The entire gang was there. Donna and Eric on the couch, Fez beside them, close to Hyde. Kelso sat in the lawn chair, obliviously sucking on a red popsicle.

She actually felt a small smile tugging on her lips, her friends. They were supporting her and she was soaking it up. But the question from Eric made her blood run cold. "Are you sure it was even your baby?" his query was met with silence.

She waited for one of them, any of them to defend her. But when there was nothing, she felt tears flood her eyes. Silently clasping a hand over her mouth to muffle her sobs, she still waited. A silent plea ran through her mind. 'Please, Steven. Please.'

She barely heard the words he muttered, but she felt as if her entire body shut down when they reached her ears. "I don't know."

Her tears stopped, and her body felt numb. She slowly turned and walked back up the stairs. Giving Mrs. Forman a fake smile when she walked past her, ignoring the worried look she gave her. Made it back to her apartment, found the bottle of sleeping pills she had almost tossed out the day before. Swallowed as many as she could dry and walked back to bed. Fell asleep.

When she woke, the sterile smell of the hospital assaulted her nose. She kept her eyes shut because she heard voices in the room. "What the hell happened?" Angry voice, she recognized it as Red's.

"I don't know." Soft, scratchy. Steven.

Just like that, she remembered. He hadn't believed her, thought she had been lying to him. A tear ran down her cheek and a gentle hand brushed it away. "Jackie?" Oh, how she loved his voice. It had always sent shivers down her spine and a jolt low in her belly. But now, she ignored it. Pretended she was still asleep. She wasn't sure if he bought it, but he sighed and smoothed a hand through her hair.

After a few minutes, she did fall back asleep. When she woke next, a doctor was probing her stomach. Extreme tenderness made her hiss out in pain. The doctor looked pleased when she opened her eyes. He gave her a sincere smile and pulled out his light. After checking both of her eyes he stepped back. "It's about time you woke up. Your family and friends have been worried."

She turned away, "I don't have any friends." She couldn't say she didn't have family, because Mr. and Mrs. Forman were the only parents she had.

The doctor looked disappointed and gave her a tight smile. "If you're hungry, just press the call button beside you. A nurse will get you something." Still looking away, she nodded. She thought she heard him sigh before he left. When she thought about it, she felt hungry, but the idea of food sickened her. So she purposely pushed the call button off the bed, the clatter it made as it hit the floor making her jump.

She felt when Steven entered the room and turned her back to him. She felt him watching her and when he didn't say anything, she couldn't stand the silence. "She was yours. I was never with anybody else." She waited for his reaction, but when none came, she bit her lip to keep from crying. She tasted blood as her teeth broke the skin and thought it fitting.

She heard his retreating footsteps and dug her nails into her palms. He still didn't believe her.

When she heard the unmistakable sound on fists hitting flesh, she slowly sat up. Every muscle protested the movement, but she had to know what was going on. She slid off the bed and used it to support herself until she could stand. She moved to the door, pulling the IV along when it halted her motion.

The sight that greeted her made her jaw drop. Steven was being held back by Red and Eric was holding a hand to his broken lip, looking at him as if he'd lost his mind. "What the hell, Hyde?" Kitty, Donna, Kelso and Fez watched Hyde nervously.

"She heard you! She heard what you said!" Steven sagged in Red's grip and clenched his eyes shut. "She heard what I said." he said softly, his voice broken.

Jackie watched him, taking in his haggard appearance. "Steven." his name broke her lips before she could stop it and his eyes darted to her.

He shrugged off Red's arms and took the few short steps to her. His eyes searched hers and he brought his hands up to cup her cheeks. She watched him, fascinated as tears streaked down his face. "I know, Jackie. I know she was mine."

She closed her eyes and leaned her face into his palm. When he sank to his knees and pressed his face to her stomach she looked around at the shocked faces. "I'm sorry, Jackie. I'm so fucking sorry." his voice was muffled against her and she looked at the top of his head. His hands gripped her waist tightly, "Please don't-" he stopped and took a deep breath. It was unsteady as he released it and he looked up at her. "Don't leave me."

"Steven." her voice was weak and she could fell her lips shaking.

"I love you, Jackie. I love you."

She gave him a small smile, "I love you, too."

When he stood and crushed her into his grip, she leaned her head to his chest and grasped his t-shirt tightly. Fast footsteps coming down the hall made him look up and wince. The hospital security surrounded them and Hyde buried his face in her hair a moment before taking a step away from her and assuming his usual angry at the world stance.

"What's going on here?" One of the security demanded. Hyde shrugged and Red gave the man a tight smile.

"Nothing. Just a simple disagreement."

The security officer glared at Hyde, "We heard there was an altercation." He turned to Eric and eyed his bloody lip. "That looks pretty bad, son."

Eric smiled and shook his head. "This is nothing. You should have seen the time I fell down the stairs. Oh, and there was that time I ran into the wall. There was also that time I accidentally dropped a bowling ball on my foot. And the time-"

The security officer angrily cut him off and turned back to Hyde. "I don't want to come back up here. Understand?"

Hyde gave him a slight nod and as the men left took a deep breath. "Thanks, Forman." he said softly. "I'm sorry I hit you, man."

Eric shrugged of his apology and looked at Jackie. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

Not sure how to respond, she looked away. She heard his sigh of disappointment and immediately felt guilty, but not enough to make him feel better. After reaching up and lightly tracing Steven's jaw with her fingers, she slowly moved back to the bed. Her head was swimming and her muscles were shaking from disuse.

She sighed in relief when she made it to the bed and gratefully sank down on the soft surface. When she lay back, she was suddenly exhausted. Her eyes started to drift shut but before she fell asleep, she felt a hand take her own. When she opened her eyes, she expected to see Steven, but instead Fez stood before her. A nervous expression on his face.

"I am sorry, my Princess. I didn't hear Eric say that horrible thing."

"You were sitting right next to him." she said softly.

Fez cringed, "I was thinking about my needs." he muttered.

Jackie huffed out a laugh and shook her head. "I love you, Fez." she said affectionately.

He grinned, relieved he was forgiven. "I love you, my Princess." He leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. "I can see you need your beauty sleep. So I will see you tomorrow, yes?"

She narrowed her eyes and mock glared at him, "Are you implying something?"

He gasped, "Of course not. You are beautiful, a paragon of perfection."

She sighed and relaxed into the pillows, "I needed that."

When Fez saw the teasing glint in her eyes, he huffed out a exasperated breath. "Good day!" He turned to leave.

"But Fez-"

"I said, Good Day!" He winked at her and left the room.

She smiled at his back and when Hyde walked in, she lifted the covers of the bed. He moved in beside her and she buried her face in his neck. She quickly fell asleep, her hand resting lightly on his stomach.

Hyde didn't sleep.


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Just had to tell you to remember that Jackie is emotionally unstable. That's all.

After a mandatory seven day stay at the hospital, Jackie walked into her apartment. She took in a deep breath, smelling the familiar scent. Home. For too long, she didn't have a home. At times she felt like a transient, moving from one place to another. No actual place to call home. Until she moved here. She had her own room, a place where she could just be herself.

Walking slowly to her room, she opened the door and placed the small bag of clothing that Fez had brought her on her bed. When she heard the sound of the front door opening, she knew without looking that it was Steven. She let out a soft sigh and sat on her bed. He had brought her home, but the ride was silent. She didn't know what to say to him. There were very few things that she had ever felt ashamed for doing.

Trying to take her own life was one of them. If someone had told her three years ago that she would be at such a low point in her life that she would try to kill herself, she would have laughed in their face. Jackie Burkhart got everything she wanted, always had, always would.

Except one dirty, poor, burnout orphan who never loved her enough, or maybe never at all. Even though she'd given him everything. It was ironic, really. Jackie Burkhart, the girl who had everything, was taken down by Steven Hyde, the boy who had nothing. And when the dust settled, she was the one who ended up with nothing.

When she felt his eyes upon her, she reluctantly raised her head. His intense gaze had her looking away immediately. She swallowed hard and squeezed her eyes shut, trying to stop the tears that threatened. When had her life fallen apart? When had she become so pathetic?

She loved a man that didn't love her and had lost her child because she was weak. She'd wanted her baby, she wanted Katherine with everything she was. Even if Steven had made the final move and completely cut her out of his life, she would have kept her. She would have found a way to make it work.

Losing her child was the worst thing that had ever happened to her. Steven cheating had been terrible. His inability to commit had hurt her worse than she would ever have admitted. Him constantly pushing her away had eaten at her until there was nothing left. Everything bad that had happened to her was because of him. Steven.

He'd broken her heart and left her weak. Their child had been lost because of him. She'd tried to kill herself because of him. He'd never believed in her and he never loved her. His fault. Everything.

Before she knew what she was doing, she launched herself at him. Her fists hit him and it barely registered that she was screaming at him. "I HATE YOU! Your fault…everything…how could you?!"

She felt his arms come around her and hold her to his form tightly. His voice was quiet in her ear, "I know, Jackie. Calm down. I got you."

Held back from striking him, she instead collapsed into him. Her harsh sobs were muffled in his chest and he lightly stroked her hair. "I hate you." she choked out.

The conviction in her voice must have given him pause because she felt him take a sudden breath. A minute later, he moved them into the room and closed the door behind him. He fell back against the door and easily brought her with him as he sank to the floor.

Her sobs had slowed and she found herself slumped against him. "Why?" Her voice was hoarse and it cracked on the simple word, but it was loud enough for him to hear. When he didn't respond after a long pause she closed her eyes.

Even with her emotions in turmoil, she drifted off to sleep. But her question to him still echoed in the silent room.

Why?

When she woke, she found quickly that she really wished she hadn't. Her head was pounding painfully and her entire body was stiff and sore. Awareness quickly came, letting her know that she was laying on the floor. The slow rise and fall of a chest at her back alerted her to Steven's presence. Why were they on the floor? She wondered. Then, with painful clarity, she remembered what happened before she had fallen asleep.

She cringed and slowly sat up. He stirred behind her but remained silent. After running both hands through her hair, she brought her knees up to rest her forehead against. The movement did nothing to relieve the pounding of her head and she took a slow, deep breath.

His hand came to rest on her back and without meaning to, she jumped at his touch. He withdrew his hand quickly and she heard him sit up. "Jackie, I-"

She cut him off as she turned to him, "I didn't mean it. I didn't. I'm sorry. I just, I was…" she took his hand in her own and ran her fingers over his palm. When his fingers closed over hers, she closed her eyes. "I needed someone to blame that wasn't me." She chanced a quick glance at him and was relieved to find that his wasn't angry.

"I understand. Glad you didn't mean it." he said with a slight smile.

"I really didn't." she said quietly.

The room was silent except for the pounding in her head. The overwhelming silence made it feel worse than it actually was and Jackie pressed her fingers to her temples. This time when she felt his hand on her back, she sighed and pressed back into the pleasant pressure as he lightly massaged her stiff muscles.

When his voice cut through the silence, she jumped slightly. "I wish you had told me."

She stiffened slightly but took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I said I was sorry. I didn't know what to do."

"I didn't mean it like that, Jackie." he said calmly. "It's just…I've been having these dreams. In them, you're pregnant. I mean really pregnant. About to pop. You're fucking beautiful. Glowing. But when I wake up, all I can think is that I missed it. I missed my chance." When she turned to look at him with tears in her eyes, he reached up and brushed his thumb across her cheek. "I figured it out the other day. She would've been ten months, almost eleven. I looked it up in one of the books Mrs. Forman has around the house. First time walking on her own. By this time she'd be babbling, talking. Forming simple words. Saying things like mom and dad."

Jackie didn't think she'd ever seen him actually cry before, so when he broke down in front of her eyes, she froze. But she shook herself out of it and moved to him. He clutched at her when she moved his head into her lap, his hand fisting in the loose material of her pant leg.

When he started to speak, she didn't understand his words at first. But when she did, her heart lurched in her chest. "Please forgive me, baby. I'm so sorry." His words, the words she wanted to hear from him for so long.

Her chest tightened painfully and she leaned over, lightly kissing his forehead. "Of course." she said softly. When she started to move back, his hand came up and traced the line of her face. Over the smooth line of her forehead, over her high cheekbone and down her cheek to rest his fingers over her lips.

At the smooth caress, she closed her eyes and took a shaky breath. "Steven."

He groaned, recognizing the husky timbre in her voice. It was a sound he was afraid he would never hear again and had heard too few times before. He traced the line of her beautiful lips, gritting his teeth together when they parted on a gasp. He moved to his knees in a swift movement and slid his hands down to her waist. "Jackie, look at me."

She shook her head in denial, eyes remaining stubbornly shut.

He felt a smile working up to his lips and moved close enough so she could feel his breath upon her lips. "Look at me, love."

She gasped and opened her eyes, searching his face. When his gaze stayed fixed to her own, her mouth quivered slightly. Tears streaked down face as her hands came up to caress his cheeks. A moment later, she pressed her lips to his. He responded immediately, his arms locking around her to hold her close.

She kissed him softly, light brushes of her lips across his. He groaned lowly in his throat, the sensation of her lips caressing his sending a shock of pleasure through his system. When she broke away for a moment, he made a sound of disappointment and quickly sought her lips out. Capturing them, he moved his lips over hers, a motion so familiar.

He felt her take a deep breath and smiled against her lips. "I missed you, Doll face." he whispered softly.

"I missed you too." she said back, her voice rough. She kissed him lightly but moved away before he could respond. He frowned and looked at her as she rested her head against his chest.

"What's wrong?" he asked softly.

She shook her head, "I can't. I'm sorry. I'm not ready." He saw her hands fist in his shirt and closed his eyes.

'Fuck.' he thought. 'Of course she's not ready you moron.'

"Jackie." he said softly. "It's fine. If you're not ready, it's fine."

He felt her relieved sigh and her body relaxed into him. "I didn't mean to-"

"Jackie." he cut her off. "Shut up." The words were harsh but they were light, almost joking.

She giggled lightly. "Okay."

After a few minutes of silence, she looked up at him and gave a small smile. "I don't want to lose you."

He shook his head, "You won't. I promise."

"Can we just be friends?" she asked timidly. "I'm not ready for, you know, us. But maybe we could try to be friends?"

He was silent for a moment while he tried to work his brain around the thought. Steven Hyde and Jackie Burkhart, friends? He could honestly say they had never been friends. Enemies, then lovers, then adversaries. But friends? Meeting her hopeful expression, he smiled reassuringly. "Yeah. We can do that."

When she threw herself into his arms with a small squeal, he knew he made the right decision. But it wouldn't last forever. He wouldn't let it. As he returned her fierce hug, he was already making plans. He had to make her his again, he had to.


End file.
